Pluto used to be a planet. It was discovered in 1930, and retained its classification until 2006. Its life span was respectable. Not many people born before 1930 lived to see 2006; World War II, Korea, and Vietnam all had a significant influence that. Maybe it’s not all that impressive, given Pluto’s passive aggressive nature. He never fought in any of those wars. That’s not to say that he was a draft dodger; whatever they might have been, he had his own reasons to stay aloof from conflict. A popular demotivational poster states that, “the tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut.” Pluto certainly adopted this philosophy in his own life. He spent his whole life trying to stay out of the lime light. Small and unimposing, he hoped to avoid too much attention. In the end he proved too good at being small. Since a discovery of a larger-than-Pluto non planet in the late 1970’s, debate has been held as to whether or not this small friend deserved the distinction of “planet.”
After much debate and contemplation, Pluto was killed at the ripe old age of 76. For the first time, the shortest blade of grass was cut first. Jupiter, Saturn, and all the other giants smiled at the irony. This inspired an outcry from both the internet, and Elementary school students the world over. How could scientists kill everyone’s favorite little planet? The ever helpful phrase “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas” suddenly became useless. How could any 2nd grade student be expected to remember the names of the planets without the important word “pizza”? What did my very educated mother just serve us nine portions of? Angry letters were written and ironic t-shirts were made. And through it all, Pluto just kept on making his 6.39 day rotation. Pluto is a small ice covered rock; he doesn’t care what you think.
McDonalds cares what you think. McDonalds cares so much about what you think that they are willing to pay millions of dollars to an old woman for spilling coffee in her lap. In the 1999 movie, Fight Club, the Narrator makes the following observation: “When deep space exploration ramps up, it’ll be the corporations that name everything, the IBM Stellar Sphere, the Microsoft Galaxy, Planet Starbucks.” McDonalds would not be far behind them in the corporate space race. In fact, given that many of those companies are steadily slipping from dominance, the only ones to have a leg up on Mickey D’s would be Virgin Mobile, or maybe Redbull (both of which currently have, or have had a presence in space). McDonalds has served over 1 billion hamburgers. They care what you, the consumer, think. If they did not, they would not have sold so many burgers. They are adaptable, able to change. If someone makes a movie showing how unhealthy their food is, they introduce salads. FDA introduces new laws? No problem, just include calorie counters on every wrapper.
Pluto is not adaptable. If an astronomer tells him he is too small to be a planet, he cannot will himself to be bigger. But even if he could, would he? At their closest, most intimate moments, Earth and Pluto are a mere 2.66 billion miles apart. If you could take a leisurely Sunday afternoon drive at the speed of light, it would take just under 4 hours to travel that distance. If you were able to walk that distance, it would take 101,217.656 years. Suffice it to say that within the next few decades humans probably won’t be taking small steps or even large leaps on Pluto’s nitrogen ice surface. Given this separation, why would Pluto care what Earth thinks? It is much more likely that he would care about the opinion of his on again off again girlfriend, Neptune (they are constantly swapping positions in distance from the sun). Pluto doesn’t care what Earth astronomers think.
BYU students care what others think. Roommates, boyfriends or girlfriends, Bishops, professors, TA’s, parents, the list goes on and on. Of course, there’s always a few trend breaking hipsters that remain aloof; but deep down, everyone does care. Even if you don’t care what the vast majority of people think about you, someone exists somewhere; someone, whose opinion is very important to you. If you didn’t, you would not have a facebook account. If a person truly didn’t care about the opinions of others, they would not update their statuses, and follow everyone’s tweets. BYU students care what people think. If people were more like Pluto, Earth’s surface would be equally icy, albeit a metaphorical iciness. One difference between a student and Pluto: if a student changes their name, Illinois state legislature won’t be passed that creates a holiday in honor of their original name.
The closest to come to Pluto’s mind set would be a dog. A dog named for the small, recently demoted, non-planet. In 1930, presumably after the “planet’s” discovery, Walt Disney introduced Mickey Mouse to a new pet. A loyal, loving, golden dog (supposedly a Pointer) named Pluto. Like his icy namesake, Pluto doesn’t do too much outside of his own interests. He tolerates Mickey because Mickey provides food and shelter. When was the last time anyone saw a dog accept sub servitude to a mouse under any other arrangements? (On a side note, it’s interesting to consider the relationship that would exist between Pluto and Goofy…) Regardless of what anyone tells him to do in respect to the visiting kitten, Pluto’s going to chase the cat because that’s what Pluto wants to do. Pluto sleeps when he wants to, and he has spin off cartoons when he wants to. Pluto doesn’t care what you or Mickey thinks; he just takes what he wants.
According to Jeff Winger, “We’re the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don’t even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is ‘Steve’ and go like this-” [breaks pencil] “and part of you dies, just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.” Just like you connect to “Steve,” you connect to Pluto. Pluto is a rock flying through space, he doesn’t care. He can be called a planet, a dwarf planet, Pluto, 134340 Pluto, or “Steve.” It won’t change his opinion of Earth. But just like Pluto is free to accept or reject his new title at his leisure, you are also free to wear your shirt with the slogan: “It’s ok Pluto; I’m not a planet either.”
