Always Wash Your Hands After Applying Rogain Before You Scratch Your Face...

When I was but a young and lowly deacon, Scott Schaerrar (family friend) shared with me some advice that has stuck with me all these years, I will paraphrase it for you..."Be sure that you wash your hands after applying rogain before you give your wife a back massage..." Deep stuff, deep stuff. (Don't worry Joy, I am sure you don't have a hairy back). The other night I went and saw a movie, "but Stephen, what movie would this advice be relevant to??" Calm down, calm down. I'm getting there, it was this:

Woah! That's a lot of body hair! Now then, I do love the classic Universal horror movies. Although werewolves are fairly universal I do not mean the word like that, I mean the classic b horror films that Universal Studios put out in the good ol' days of the black and white silver screen. Before we get to what I thought of the film, this movie did not do good in theaters, and got over all poor ratings. I liked it. "But Stephen, four out of five dentists (or critics in this case) can't be wrong can they?!" My apologies, I can not speak for the critics that disliked this movie, I can only speak for myself. And as this is my blog, my word will be the only one that we examine today. Hurray! So, I can see why people didn't like this movie, you have to view it with a certain type of glasses, (no not those 3d kinds James Cameron!) you have to look at the film as exactly what it is meant to be, a Universal horror picture. They do a stupendous job of capturing the spirit of the black and white classics. Not too much plot. The hero struggling to maintain his humanity and protect those he loves from himself. Heck, he even tries to protect those he dislikes. And what could be better than a classic black and white horror picture? A remake that puts the same situation in a breathtakingly beautiful 1890's London, and features the tragic hero absolutely wrecking people. I mean straight up ripping them to shreds. So, obviously this movie is not for those with a weak stomach. Probably my favorite moment is when Del Torro's character is tied to this chair in an insane asylum (he has been sent there for brutally murdering people and claiming to have done it as a werewolf) and surrounded by scientists and professors all observing him. The idea is they are going to prove to him that he will not turn into a werewolf once the full moon rises. He keeps on screaming what has become one of my favorite attempts to warn people of danger: "You morons! I'll kill all of you!!" Not a threat, a warning, I love it. Naturally he turns into a werewolf and proceeds to do what they do best, jack people up. And of course the scientists have locked themselves in for some unexplainable part of the experiment. Love it. If you like blood and guts, Universal horror pictures, and all around beautiful landscapes/environments then go check out The Wolfman.

In closing let me just say this, Stephanie Meyer, you are dumb. This is what a werewolf looks like:

THEY DO NOT LOOK LIKE THIS:

This is a dog, not a werewolf, or a wolfman, a DOG. The point of a werewolf is that it is different from the two species that make it up, it either looks like a horrible monster, or some combination of the two. It does not look like your beloved childhood pet Mr. Snuffles. Follow the rules that pertain to Vampires and other mythical creatures you have crapped all over, or stop writing. Actually come to think of it, whether or not you start obeying the literary rules already set up, just stop writing. You are not good at it. You write like a twelve year old. But kudos to your ability to manipulate teenage girls.

I digress, this is a movie review post and not a "Why Stephanie Meyer should have her hands crushed review." Wolfman was good, go check it out.